My confessions and diary : I was doing drugs last year but I wasnt addict.

My Personal Diary, Pessac and Intimacy. Renouer with some Privacy and Intimacy.
Joelle, sometimes I get scared that I became « schizophrenic » or « psychotic »; I mean my Doctor / Psychiatrist is great, her name is Laurence Revol, she is nice, she helped me. Tercian and Lithium are good medicine. She is a bit conservative, but it’s okay, she is WAY better than David Misdrahi.
Here is the thing : I talk to my IPHONE because my HEAD IS FULL FULL FULL, full of emotions for you, full of fancies (by the way I was never gonna touch your ass or fuck you in the streets, it’s called « artistic boutades », and in USA I wont do anything without permission). And again I will NEVER give you orders, im a Romantik and I found the right woman.
So so so I was afraid drugs will make me « schizophrenic » ://
I still cant BELIEVE there is this kind of « technology ».
I dont believe that im « a powerful man ».
And im not gonna betray you, if anything happens to you i could die of chagrin and sadness.
I was never suicidal ://
I cant write poetry every day, because I like to write you good stuff, good material, real shit you know.
I dont know if Im crazy but sometimes I hear you crying and your voice makes me wanna die of sadness and chagrin and sorrow…. Omg I feel SO GUILTY
I know I have to do ROUTINE and that’s why I LOVE YOU.
So morning, coffee, articles, newspapers, books, lunch, transe, poetry, balade dans le parc. And if I feel like it, maybe Library or University.
Then English courses. And no massages, I mean I have no money, and I can wait a few weeks with no massages.
Mouah, Im still sleepy, now coffee and cigarettes and Parc. I love trees.
I warned my Mother : I told her Im gonna take her with me to USA and that I will take care of her, but I told her that talking about me or my Joelle could get her KILLED in USA.
I told her you are a Commander of Special Forces, I dont even know if it’s true but she doesnt understand what Im a and who I am. I dont hate her, it’s just that she doesnt understand me and she doesnt know what i am / who i am… ://
And that’s ANOTHER reason « why » : you understand me Joelle, and that’s mainly why im in love with you so badly. Omg I miss so you so much, I didnt know there was that much love in me.
Here is a funny thing : I was eating at CROUS (because there is a meal for 4 euros) and 2 muslim girls with veil said « Even if he is atheist he doesnt cheat on his wife ? ». I mean it can be funny, I never « roast back » muslims with veil I have pitty, empathy and compassion for them, my mother was a modern woman she put the veil at 45-50 yo. I mean I forgive her EVERYTHING because she had a HARD DIFFICULT LIFE and she SUFFERED. I also forgive my Dad ( I will just be sending him 1000 dollars per month cause he was NEVER a real dad and he didnt treat my mother well :// she deserved better ).
I really wanna show my Mother USA, I wanna show her a REAL Free Big Country. The only person I can forgive is Mom. I mean she never harmed me, and when I need 300 or 400 euros she helps me, and she always cooks good dishes for me.

By the way, I enjoyed the Bar « The Kings Head » Down Town, I was looking for an American Bar Down Town but i never found one.
So if I go have a drink it will be at the « Kings Head » or at the « Blarney Stone Irish Pub » Cours Victor Hugo.
I should leave a good comment, you will find in on Google Maps.
And I didnt remember all the movies they were talking about at Internations. So I asked Maik, Professor Maik. Now I call him « Hey Man » ( I used to say « Hey Mate » or « Hallo Mate » ). And babe im just being friendly with EVERY ONE.

I was AFRAID that the lebanese will be hitting on me :// And the bar was very small. And the Ukrainian « Daria » was weird.
Usually people are NEVER interested in me :// But now that I have to most incredible American Officer as a Wife, suddenly they get « excited and/or wet » ? It’s disgusting :// I was NEVER obsessed by sex. Im obsessed with Literature, Philosophy, Science and KNOWLEDGE, and BEAUTY. And im obsessed by your Clitoris.

If I see you : Im gonna hug you and call you Maaam, im gonna kiss you softly on the cheeks, Im gonna shake your hand and kiss your both hands, and im gonna KNEEL and say « Will you marry me and take me HOME cause my life is hell ? « .
That’s all :// Whatever you wear I dont care.
Just dont change anything, you dont even need to wash your hair or to put lipstick. I just remember that you look like a mixture between Military and Southern Farmer, like you know the « Tough Texans ». I was « scared of you », I was afraid to loose my English or to say/do something « wrong/bad ».
Some people said that you were « very wet and excited and stimulated », I dont really know and I dont really think so, I thing I told your « interesting things » but I think you have NATURAL Energy. It means we can spend our week ends making love love love.

MY IDEAL WEEKEND will just you and me in a house with music and a swimming pool and a garden, naked, like in Heaven, and making love and cuddling for 48h. It weal fully HEAL me. Guess what, im eating Salmon for brunch.

Most Arabs dont understand that the Southern American Woman /Middle Country / Bible Belt / Countryside (Texas, New Mexico, Arizona, Nebraska, Ohio, Atlanta etc ) are WAY BETTER than MUSLIM wives :///
Because they can cook good, fuck good, protect the house with a gun, and they just ask you to be a LOVING DECENT MAN ( I mean of course Im gonna do the dishes, the groceries, the cleaning, and I will teach our kids Maths and Science and Literature and Philosophy, I will pick up our kids, give my wife a massage, take care of the garden, protect the neighbourhood, do community local work, help the Neighbors, etc ).
I mean muslim women they can ask you to give them CASH and GOLD for marriage and to pay for EVERYTHING even the rent and the food wesh yo XD And everyone knows that lebanese are GOLD DIGGERS. And that’s what my mom doesnt understand :// About you and me.

How do I know this ? I have 3 aunts in USA (but I dont talk to them since ages like maybe I saw them 10 years ago in Casablanca), Souad, Amina and Leila. The smartest one was Souad Zakriti. She is probably 60 yo now. And she is gonna really really really love you Joelle. She lives in USA since 2000 I think but they are not really my « family ». You are my REAL family and my BEST friend baby.

I enjoyed Internations to be honest. Aude was nice. « Penny » was really nice. And I was sitting at the « American Table ». They were like 10 AMERICANS around me in the Bar « Kings Head » I felt like FAMILY TIME YOOO

So if I go out baby I will be at the « Kings Head » Bar or at the « Blarney Stone Irish Pub ». I think Im gonna stop going to the « Connemara Irish Pub » because I get harrassed and some people there arent nice ( maybe Alt Right ? ).
I believed you are REAL after the Accumulation of Signs :
Jean Leviste said « She is gonna be your WIFE » in December 2025 (but I thought he was talking about Neige Rochant or missing with my head again….), and even in November 2025 the fat girl I slept with from Tinder/Fruitz said « She is gonna be mad and furious » (I was like who the fuck is she talking about…..) I think her name was Alissia or Alice or Elissia or Elise, and now I realised that I fucked an Albanese-Romanian prostitute in March 2026 :/// Omg Im a stupid dumb asshole…. but babe I NEEDED SOME SEX…. and you NEVER CALLED ME ://
I mean I need some sex or massage at LEAST every 3 months, if I spend 6 months without sex i get DEPRESSED to death :///
I cant hold it more than 3 months :///
The other signs were a Polish Dude who said we were gonna get married in September-October, and a German Christian who told me « you wanted to have babies with me ». So I thought you were « Christian » ://
Im sorry again for all I could have said or done. I thought it was some kind of « couverture/manipulation ».
And when they said « It’s a YES at Bordeaux-USA » I thought they were talking about POLITICAL ASYLUM.
I think the last time I went to Bordeaux-USA 120 Rue Héron was in December or November 2025. And im going next week.
I hope to hear from you next Thursday and at the 4th of July. I will take maybe Nabilou and/or Maik with me, because I trust my roomate and I trust Dr MAIK.
Nabilou is my friend, Maik is my friend, Anatole Dahane is my brother, and Jean Leviste is still a friend, even if I didnt want to see him in Paris, to give you space and time to CHECK EVERYTHING.

Keep asking me questions I will keep doing my BEST to Honour you and please you.
You know what ? I will help you with your parents and you will help me with my parents, because now we are doing FAMILY STUFF.
You can send me messages through Maik, Nabilou, Internations, Bordeaux-USA, the « Kings Head Bar », the « Blarney Stone Irish Bar », but I was just frustrated not about sex but about your VOICE ://

Forget about yesterday, it was nothing, I was just scared by the cars driving like hell in the streets.
By the way I live at the 39 Rue Ferdinand Antoune.

Now what shall I confess ?